


Ice Cream

by scratchfliprepeat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Happy birthday Homestuck, belated belated birthday, but borderline blinking squint, theres davejade if you squint, this technically exists in an off shoot timeline i guess, you beautiful fool i love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 16:40:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18920950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scratchfliprepeat/pseuds/scratchfliprepeat
Summary: A family, albeit a complicated one, is what was more than John Egbert could have wanted. For this birthday, the yearly prank-off shall commence!Surely nothing will go wrong, right...?





	Ice Cream

**Author's Note:**

> i found tthis sitting on my drafts for three years now and i thought "hey, why not honor the 10 year anniversary of homestuck?" so belated happy birthday you beautiful clusterfuck, its nice to know that you wont let me rest even after your stupid epilogue.
> 
> meat or candy? 
> 
> we all have to recover from the epilogue somehow. heres exists a timeline somewhere, even if its not necessarily "canon"
> 
> viva la homestuck!

>>> JOHN EGBERT: BE 7 YEARS OLD.

John scowled as he was forced to sit still, listening to the teacher droned about Division of Numbers. He had an  _awesome_  prank planned out, and he almost pulled it off if Jane didn't tell on him. The only reason she did because their prankster's gambit has been tipping on John's favor for a while now. Today was the day John went for the kill.

John looked at Jane and she looked back. She smiled innocently while John glared at her.

 _Just you wait, Crocker._  He thought, thinking of another awesome prank.  _Just you wait._

"Mr. Egbert! Eyes on front." His teacher called sharply, and John scowled as he heard Jane giggle.

* * *

>>>JOHN EGBERT AND JANE CROCKER: BE 16 YEARS OLD.

John and Jane Egbert were twin siblings. But from a young age, John had a nickname for Jane, which was Jane Crocker. Jane's love for baking and Betty Crocker caused her to have that nickname. Because of John constantly calling her this, some students actually think her name is Jane Crocker. There were rumors about adoption. Alien surrogacy. Lab babies.

Gossip was weird.

Dad dropped them off the school with a gentle but stern warning. They were all smiles until the car revved off. Jane immediately left after a raspberry.

"Hey, Crocker!" John called, grinning.

Jane turned around deliberately. Let the song and dance begin.

"What is it, John?" She asked, raising her eyebrow.

"If I were you, I wouldn't be too comfy." John said, smirking. It was April 13, both of their birthdays. It was also the day they prank each other to death.

Jane smirked back.

"Oh, sorry. I couldn't hear you from my  _gigantic pranksters gambit!_ " Jane said haughtily.

John's scowled. "Not for long."

John and Jane were giving each other death glares. The tension in the air multiplied. If this was anime, you would see the lightning from their eyes.

John and Jane usually take pranks lightheartedly, but April 13 was a different thing.

"Woah woah woah!"

John and Jane turn their gazes to the school door, and they see Roxy Lalonde and her twin sister, Rose Lalonde. Rose was scanning them both while Roxy had her eyebrow raised.

"You two should probs calm down 'cause I know what crazy shit happens for the day  _but!"_  Roxy said raising her hand. "But the day hasn't even started so don't shower each other with cake and pies."

"Roxy!" John whined. "You just gave her an idea!"

"Sorry luv, bros before hoes." Roxy said, sliding over to Jane.

"Here's a cake. You know what to do with it." Roxy said, discreetly handing Jane a sylladex card. 

When Roxy saw John's gaze, she just winked and blew him a kiss. He grinned back.

Meanwhile, Rose walked over to John.

"Do you really think Roxy would uneven the scales and side with you?" Rose asked quietly, raising an eyebrow.

"She's my _girlfriend._ " John emphasized.

"And this is an age old tradition. It's practically in the rules." Rose said.

"Fine." John huffed. "Do you have the goods?"

"What kind of friend would I be if I haven't?" Rose said smugly, handing him a card. It was a slime bucket.

"You're the best, Rose." John chirped.

"Now, don't let me down. I have a bet to win." Rose said.

"Sure thing!" And with that, John sidled up with Roxy.

Roxy nimbly put her hand on John's waist. John stared at her deadpan.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing, Lalonde." John said.

"What else am I doing except feeling up my boyfriend's gorgeous muscles?" With Roxy's wink, John's cheeks burst to flame.

Even with that valiant distraction, John pulled Roxy's hand away from his sylladex. 

"Nice try, but Rose is winning this bet." John said, eyes twinkling.

Roxy pecked his cheek. "Who cares? I won the boy." 

One of the reasons why they take their pranks on April 13 is because people take bets on who will receive the most damage. None of them became a consistent winner, so far.

Just a few feet away was Jane and Rose, who were watching the spectacle. Jane sighed.

"Roxy really loves John, huh?" Jane said. 

"And John loves Roxy back. That fact can't be taken away from him." Rose said.

"Don't you get tired? I know you loved--" Jane was absentmindedly playing with the curls of her hair. Worry was seen in the furrow of her eyebrows. 

Jane cut herself off. Rose wasn't looking at her anymore.

"This isn't just about us." Rose said with a sharp hiss of breath. Any malice was unintended, but Rose found pleasure in the way Jane recoiled.

With that, Rose headed to class.

* * *

 At the end of the day, both Jane and John's prankster's gambit were even. John smelled of cake and ice cream, and his shirt was practically covered in icing and ice cream he had whipped cream on his hair and shoes.

"Dude," John's best friend, Dave Strider laughed. "You and Jane actually need to chill."

John scoffed.

"No way! It's April 13. You know what happens." John stressed.

John knew that Dave was rolling his eyes as he heard him snort.

"Whatever man, you're the one reeking of Betty Crocker." Dave said.

John groaned. "Don't remind me."

There was a silence where Dave just scrolled on his phone. On the reflection of his glasses, John could see that he was pestering Jade.

"Hey, uh, you still hate Betty Crocker, right?" Dave asked.

"How could I _not?_ " John snorted. 

Dave laughed. "What did Betty Crocker do to you? It's just a baking product."

"Betty Crocker just sucks." John shrugged.

"Then why do you call your sister Jane Crocker?" Dave asked, tone strangely urgent.

He was looking at John now. He could see his blood red eyes through the thin plastic.

"I just never outgrew it." John said nervously. "Dave, why are you being so--"

"There you are." Dirk said. "Dude, unless you want to walk home, hurry up. Rose is getting antsy."

"That's my cue." Dave said with a two-fingered salute. "Jade's on her way. Good luck."

John watched them walk through the door, doing their Strider walk. They must think they look cool.

They look really ridiculous.

Dave's mother gave birth to quadruplets. Dave and Dirk Strider, Rose and Roxy Lalonde. But their parents were already separated by the time the four were born. Ms. Lalonde got the custody of Rose and Roxy while Mr. Strider got the custody of Dave and Dirk. The Striders and Lalondes didn't know each other existed until they were 13. It was a funny bit of serendipity that their long time internet friends were also their missing siblings. 

Minutes later, Jade Harley came. Eyes twitching and arms crossed.

John remembered the meaning of fear.

"When I last saw you, you don't have this and this!" Jade pointed to the whipped cream on his hair and the ice cream stains on his shirt. 

John grinned sheepishly.

"You knew what day it is, Jade."

Jade sighed.

"Yeah, and because of your  _pranking day_ , Jake and Jane are stuck in detention." Jade rolled her eyes.

Grandpa Harley, Grandma English and Nanna Egbert were all siblings. Nanna Egbert died early compared to her siblings. Grandpa Harley had a daughter who was pregnant at a young age. Since she was too young, she left her daughter to her Grandpa Harley. Meanwhile, Grandma English had a fairly aged daughter along with a decent husband. They had a child, but the mother died upon delivery. The father went crazy when she did, so Grandma English got the custody of Jake. Jade and Jake grew up different islands, Jake lived in an island by the UK while Jade lived in an island on the Pacific Ocean. When they died, Jade and Jake were left to the Egberts. 

"Huh, why?" John asked.

"Remember in Algebra, there's a new teacher?" Jade asked.

John nodded.

"Well, you and Jane are notorious pranksters. Jake and Jane had the same class and Jake got the effect of the prank so Jane got detention. Jake defended Jane, so they both ended up in detention." Jade explained.

John's eyes widened.

"Oh man, that was my prank. Oh man I have to apologize I'll come back!" John said, running out of the door.

Jade shook her head. When it was pranking day, the teachers always knew to not give detentions to John and Jane. Of course, the new teacher didn't know it. When a prank lands someone in detention, John or Jane always makes it up to them.

A few minutes later, John arrived with pumpkin pie in hand along with a cupcake.

"Do you think this will be enough?" John panted. "The cupcakes were almost sold out, I almost needed to fight for them."

Jade stared at John fondly.

"Yeah, I think it will be more than enough."

Almost an hour later, Jake, who was covered in blue slime, and Jane, who looked like she went through a war zone, finally left detention. John rushed to them, muttering _sorrys_ and giving them their favorite snack.

"You don't need to apologize, mate." Jake said, grinning. "Although I won't say no to pumpkin pie."

Jane laughed.

"Seriously, John?" Jane asked. "I expected for the prank, I knew it would happen." Jane said, smiling. She still took the cupcake anyway and took a bite.

"Mmmmm! Thanks for the cupcake, though."

John grinned in reply.

To a new student, this would look weird. In the early morning they would treat each other like they killed each other's families but by the day ends everything is back to normal. But really, everyone was used to this. After all, nobody could understand the weirdness of their family at this point, and just accepted it.

Besides, they get a free excuse to not go to school. It was fucking terrifying to go to school on April 13.

"Thank you." John said.

Jane just pointed at one of the stains on his shirt and grinned.

"Well, I guess it's the consolation prize you get, me being stuck in detention since I obviously got the better of you." Jane said as they started to exit the school.

John scoffed.

"Ha! As if, look at your shirt, it's barely recognizable!"

While Jane and John were proving to each other who was the loser, lightheartedly of course, Jade and Jake looked at each other and sighed exasperatedly.

To someone who was in Johnson High since freshman year, this was a normal sight. Nothing was wrong, and it was just a normal day. They would understand that John treated them for ice cream because it was his birthday after all. Jane helped pay for it.

Heck, they'd even take the huddle they had the moment they left.

However, what they won't understand is this--

"He looks happy, doesn't he?" Jade said somberly.

"That he does." Jake agreed.

"Have you contacted them? The tro--  _other players_." Jane's eyes darted around the room.

Jade took her bottom lip between her teeth. "Afraid not."

"Dirk's picking up signal from space but that's from NASA. He can't keep this up before he gets caught." Jake said.

"Maybe they're here?" Jade said hopefully.

"We would have encountered them by now.  We've found each other in a span of a week!" Jane said.

Footsteps broke the conversation. John was carrying three cones with a wide smile.

They found it hard to return it.

After all, everything was far from normal for them.

After all, a few weeks ago, they were in a game called Sburb. Tired from battle and brimming with hope for a new world, they let John open the door for the prize. They woke up with a plush bed that wasn't theirs and a paper thin illusions that contrasted with their real memories.

After all, everyone knew these memories were false, and everyone remembered Sburb.

"Who wants ice cream?"

Everyone but John.

**Author's Note:**

> rose misses kanaya but shes nowhere to be found along with the other trolls. where are they? jade nearly has an aneurysm and dave is two seconds away from pirouetting the fuck out of there. john snap out of this. JOHN.


End file.
